tomorrow is my birthday, and i just dont fucking care man.

its been basically 20 years of go out with my family, do the same routine over and over and im so used to the same shit that we always do. on my 20th birthday (im turning 21) one of my friends (who is also the person i was so head over heels for) took me out. we made plans, she took me to a haunted house, we went out to eat, and it was the first time in any of my birthdays where i had a change of pace. i love it, it was amazing, i felt cared for by my friends.

due to unfortunate circumstances i really dont have many friends now. im trying to reconnect with some but im such an akward fuck. its upsetting because im now realizing that im not going out with anybody on my 21st. none of my friends asked if we should make plans, not even her because we’re kinda seperated. we only text semi frequently. im just upset bc like im now realizing im not going to be doing anything with any of my friends because we’ve all kinda seperated. i miss my friends, i dont understand why they kept fucking up. i had to push them away and i hate it. i feel so alone and it fucking sucks. of course i dont really want to talk to anybody about this. i told one person but like, he understands and he also lives away from me so its no pressure on him to feel the need to do anything, not that i would do that, that would be horrible.

this feeling affected the gift my father got me. he got me a bike cover and tire stands for the winter time when i store it, at first i rejected the gift but i feel like it was just my feelings taking over and i feel like shit. i talked to him and apologized, i accepted the gifts. honestly its not a bad gift considering he hates that i own this bike and he’s easing into it. so his gift was very thoughtful and it wasnt something he bought on a whim.

i miss my friends, why is it so difficult to talk to new people. i just want to look forward to tomorrow but i cant. i just feel like shit. i feel like im back to my loser ass self. not many friends to talk to, circle is small again, and i miss being able to go out with her as well. that was unironically the only times i have ever left the house to hang out with a friend in a long time. its insane. february 12th 2024 was when we had to seperate because my feelings kept getting in the way of the friendship. during that period until october 26th i hadnt gone out with any of my friends to do something normal like go out to eat. i guess i did go to chicago to see one of my online friends, but im more talking about people ive known already a good chunk of my life. i went to a party of one of my really old high school friends, i dont know how we reconnected but it was nice. i still felt really awkward there. all i do is rot away in my basement. i need to break this cycle, but i feel so worthless.

happy birthday to me man, woooo. this fucking sucks.

i feel the need to put something here. so here’s a video i like.