The only reason i am making this post is because if i dont i’ll keep thinking about it in my head over and over and it’s going to make me miserable.

There was a period of my life where i was in love with someone for a long ass time, im talking like almost 7 years long, it stemmed from middle school to my college life, that shits crazy.

Things never came to be with us and im coming to terms with that, but there was 2 times during that period when we started talking again back in january of 2023 that really upset me or confused me.

Around the time of last christmas we were having an outing, i dont remember where we went, usually its dinner or some activity. I don’t remember how the topic came up but we talked about getting a gift for each other for christmas. I was already going to do this because and didn’t expect her to give me anything because i didn’t really care, i just wanted to make her happy. My love language is gift giving, i am a huge gift giver, i love getting people things they want and making them happy its great. So for christmas i bought her a ps5 and some concert tickets. I got the console for cheap so it wasn’t a big deal. (i was a little annoyed when i bought it and found out it wasn’t the disc version but whatever) I never really thought anything of it, again i didn’t expect her to get me anything, but about a week later she texts me asking if i thought a certain hoodie was cool. It wasn’t really my style so she asked what i was interested in, i said just surprise me since i was interested to see what she would do, but she ended up saying something along the lines of: “but i want you to make a list of things, i want to get you something you actually want, not something random.” wasn’t exactly that, but thats basically how it went. I did make a list like she asked, and i put a range of things i did want, some really cheap and there was like 1 expensive thing just because. Fast forward to christmas eve i went to give her the gifts i had got. She was over the moon from just the console and it was so nice to see, and the reaction after i showed her the tickets made it even better. A little bit after setting up the console to test it she said to me “do you mind if your gift is a little late”. Of course i didnt mind. But that was the last time i ever heard about it. She never ended up getting me anything, and yes i never expected anything to begin with, but the problem was she said she was going to. I feel wrong for being upset about it like im entitled to something. I fronted all the outings willingly and i didnt mind paying and i still dont, its not a big deal. But i felt really unappreciated at that time. I did all of those things yes because i loved her but i just liked going out with my friend. Anything from her would have been fine because if it came from her it was priceless. But nothing. It sucks because i liked to save small things from our trips like a parking stub, or a punch card because it was good memories. Fast forward, shit happens, and we aren’t talking anymore I end up going to one out of the two concerts we had planned with my dad, and she was there right across from me. Im even in the videos she took standing next to my dad, but i couldn’t tell him i wanted to leave because he’d start questioning me and i dont want that. I don’t remember how many times i glanced over from the show to her and i just felt like shit, it sucked. We ended up talking like a month or so after that and she didn’t know i was there, she assumed i’d have gotten refunds for the concerts because i had insurance, the insurance is a scam dont buy it. And now up to date today, im still afraid to even text her, even though she said she doesnt care and shes not ignoring me. It’s whatever though, maybe ill find an appropriate time to send a message, im just overthinking shit.

Speaking of overthinking, heres some schizo actions i took during our time together. Sometimes i’d be scrolling on instagram and i’d see her like something, and then i’d see her like another post about the same thing again. And again, and again, and there were a lot of patterns in things she was interested in. I took it upon myself to test that out and there were somethings that worked and some that didnt. But when it came to what she’d post on her story it would be related to something i had tried before and it always confused me. I dont have any specifics but i just remember this happening. Mind you at that time, i didnt really understand, but now i do and i dont really have an opinion on it. This part was hard to explain without going into too much detail that i didn’t want to reveal, but i just felt like adding it for myself. It was weird though because she had someone right in front of her willing to do exactly what she wanted, but she just didn’t want it from me which i understand now.

Her personal problems never bothered me either, i loved being the therapist and just listening to her talk about what she had going on and helping. Sometimes i would send long texts of reassurement to make her feel better because i knew how she operated so well, that if she was upset and didnt say anything, i’d still know. There was one time she asked how im always in her brain, i just knew her that well. I’ve developed a lot of tactics to making people feel better because of these interactions we had. I hope she still remembers some of them, and i hope i at least made a difference in some of her days. It really does suck man but i think about it a lot and remember that im not the only person who’s had to deal with soemthing like this. There’s plenty of other people who know how i feel and it gives me some motivation to try to move on. I don’t know how far past it i am, but it still lingers and hits me at night from time to time. Sometimes i’ll go back and read our texts because she was always so appreciative of the text, that made me happy. I even remember i found one of her old instagram accounts from 2019 that was deleted because i was clearing my old chats. I dont remember her having an old account but the way i was talking i 100% knew. I have a lot of good memories from when we would go out together, i love to think about them from time to time. Maybe i’ll talk about some of them here when im feeling upset. The one i think about the most was when she was upset about something and i came over her house at like 12 AM and i was just sitting there watching her do her homework. I was only there to talk for a bit and try to help but i didn’t want to break her train of thought. As the conversations did start, she ended up quoting me back from a text i had sent a while before that. That made me happy, i knew that what i was saying did impact her in some way, and i dont know the scale of that, but i know it did.

i feel better after writing all of this out. im gonna play mw3 now, i gotta study for my pre calc final later.