its been some time.

so i went to chicago to see my friend, was pretty fun. went around the university of illinois chicago campus, really pretty area and i wish i wasnt missing out on campus life. i do all my classes online and its nice that i can work on it from home, but i find it hard to make new friends. im also still stuck up on that girl i liked. i just wish things could be different. still wonder what the problem was if it was me or what. id rather die than see her with someone else so i hope she keeps that a secret, for my sake. i wont tell her to do so though because bringing up that topic might cause another issue that i dont want to deal with.

i had another falling out with another friend, unfortunately they were a pathalogical liar to me and i couldn’t deal with that any longer. i cut ties and moved on. its hard meeting new people, im always afraid of talking to someone and “scaring” off people because i dont know how i come off. i know im a weird person and i like who i am, but its been a long time since i’ve found another person who can accept that and enjoy talking to me. i’ll keep trying regardless.

i’ve been having fun with that motorcycle i bought. i’ve met some people through common interests with it but its hard to keep conversation. it’s weird, i want to meet new people but after the first interaction i can never seem to keep it going. i feel more comfortable when the people i meet are introduced to me via mutual friends, that’s always nice and it makes it easier.

i feel so alone most of the time though, i keep to myself a lot and it’s like a double edged sword, i love it and i hate it.

when i went to chicago i bought some nice clothes, some alt clothing and more comfy vintage ones. i really like goth and similar styles, my parents however find it weird and i hope they dont think im some devil worshipper. (although at this rate i may aswell sell my soul just so this life can go a bit smoother)

i don’t know, this rant is weird. i miss my friends who left me. i don’t want to live in the past but that’s where everyone i love is. i miss them. i miss high school when i would see them every day, reaching out is so simple yet so difficult. “I wonder why i miss everyone and i still don’t call” from that one jon bellion song Maybe IDK. love his music btw. on my drive to chicago i listened to a very new podcast episode where he was on and he confirmed he’s making more music. that’s nice, i can’t wait to hear it. i love his music it always makes me feel some type of way.

i found out that he actually colabbed with another artist i love listening to called Quinn XCII. there was this song called Life must go on that apperently jon bellion wrote and was going to put it on glory sound prep, his 2016 album, but he gave it to Quinn. he was a background singer on that song. i always thought it sounded like jon but i was never sure. it’s so cool finding out thats who it was the entire time and it gives such a new meaning to that song for me. i love music man it always helps me out when i need a mood changer. sit in silence and just listen.

im noticing almost all of these paragraphs start with “i”, thats funny.

maybe i have autism i dont know, i was going to go to the doctors and get a referral to figure out what is wrong with me, because i really don’t feel normal. normal as in what society would expect to be normal. it’s not like i want to fit in, i think im a cool guy, but i feel like i have some sort of neurodivergent disorder. does bpd fall into that category? i know autism does. maybe i have it maybe i don’t. i’d love to know though.

anyway thats all for now. i dont know when i’ll update this. i kinda forgot about it for some time but i think i will do more posts. it helps with my head when im thinking too much.

i know nobody knows this site exists, if you do please email me on that contact page, i’d love to know if there’s anyone out there. even though it’s mainly for me. i hope other people find a space for them to express themselves openly in a way that besu suits them. this is my way, and im happy i have it.

enjoy some music. i love these songs. the spotify previews do them no justice, gotta listen to them all. also i hate how loud it is on the spotify iframe